Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Binge and Purge and Long and Windy

Christmas is finally over! Hooray! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I'm in a funk and have been for some time now. I don't know what I want to call it. Could I actually be going through some sort of depression? If you were ask my family or anyone that sees/talks to me on a daily basis, they would probably say, "Susan depressed? Nah! She Miss Happy Go Lucky as ever." I'm just a a cross roads about everything in my life. It's the same old, same old. Hence the title of this blog.

I'm in a dead end, boring ass job that I either can't or won't leave because of it is so damn close to home and the flexibility my boss gives me. At the same time, I feel like I'm stagnating and that I wouldn't be marketable if I were to even attempt to find another job. You know the old saying, you don't use it, you lose it. My skillz have been underutilized for so long, it ain't even funny. But then there's the whole, I hate what I'm doing (or not doing) and I wish I had finished by nursing degree before the daughter came along. Don't say go back to school because it's not that easy. First off, my income is a definite necessary evil and I can't afford to quit my job to attend school. What's so frustrating is that I constantly read that Illinois is so short of nursing professionals yet none of the colleges provide night school nursing programs. Secondly, I don't know where I'd come up with the money to go back to school. And lastly, I'd need the emotional support from my hubby and daughter that would allow me to go back and I just don't see that happening.

Then there is the whole I want another child thing with me. I'm 38-years old, married for almost 17-years to a guy who adores me, and I have a beautiful, not so little anymore, 10 1/2 year old girl. I should be happy with that but I'm not. All my fertile family and friends think I should be happy and feel lucky to have at least one child. They've never had issues getting pregnant so that's so easy for them to say and think it, dammit!

I've always wanted 2 children and I haven't been able to achieve that. My hubby knows I've always wanted 2 children but is happy with the one, healthy girl we have, and is no better than my loving, supportive, and non-understanding family/friends. Oh, it's not like he is totally against having another one because if that was the case, he'd have got the big V after our last miscarriage. I mean, I know he's just a big ole pussy when it comes to pain and generally pretty lazy when it comes to a lot of things, but I figure if he definitely didn't want another child, he'd have gone through with a vasectomy. When I was young and naive about my fertility issues, it was always going to be me who got fixed when we were done. I had to have a c-section and we figured while I was opened up, might as well tie the tubes. Now that we know that I don't get pregnant with just a blink of an eye, I told him it would be him getting fixed if he was dead set against having anymore. Almost 3-years later, he still hasn't pursued it. So as long as he takes that attitude, I'll continue to take things into my own hands.

I already know without seeing a dr that there is some problems with me. I've been charting my temps long enough to know that I am a late ovulator and have a LPD who suffers from low progesterone. Every since my D&C, my cycles have been so light. It leads me to believe that my uterus isn't building up a thick enough lining to support a healthy pregnancy. As much as I want another baby, I can't afford expensive, medicalized fertility treatments. I did submit to a CD 21 blood draw to test my progesterone level back in January of this year. I think it was either .6 or 6 - I don't remember. All I know the result was low enough for my OB/GYN's office to say, "Let's put you on Clomid!" Umm. . I don't think so. I'm too scared of the possibilities of multiples. I wanted to go a more natural route so what I ended up doing was working with a CMD/Acupuncturist long distance and at his suggestion had my DHEA level tested to make sure my adrenal glands were producing the correct amount of hormones first. Everything was normal there so he started me on a blend of Chinese Herbs to clear my liver heat and try to regulate my temps. I took them for 6 months they finally started working but then I started having dizzy spells because I had voluntarily took myself off my high blood pressure medicine during this time. Scared I was going to have a stroke or something, I started taking it again and I stopped the herbs. Then I started reading about natural progesterone creams success in helping with LPDs. Therefore the last 2 cycles I've been using natural progesterone cream during my luteal phase. The first cycle I noticed a difference in my flow, 2nd month not so much. I am now in the middle of my 3rd cycle waiting to ovulate.

So all this long ass story to say that at times I feel like a poser when I read all the infertility blogs out there because I haven't even put myself through a 10th of what many have and yet I sit and feel sorry for myself because I can't get pregnant and/or won't do whatever it takes to get pregnant. Then again, there is something to be said for knowing one's financial and emotional limitations and just knowing when to settle for what you already have. Right?

Then there is the feeling like I've put on 10 lbs or more since I stopped smoking. I know I did the right thing yet at the same time, I'm disgusted with myself for substituting food in place of cigarettes. I haven't stepped on my scale but a person just know these things.

Ok. I'll end it right here because I could go on and on whining about my "issues". Time to move forward and put on that ever smiling face everyone knows and loves. Hmph!


Guinea Pig said...

Susan I wish I could fix these "issues" for you. I'm so proud of you for stopping smoking. I don't think you should just "be happy" with what you have. I mean, be happy with what you have, but you are allowed to want more.

I think you are beautiful and wonderful. I hope you find what you need to be fulfilled whether it is a baby or nursing or whatever.

Keeping writing though. It will help you deal with your wants. You'll find a solution--or it will find you.

A Buns Life said...

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. So many people take getting pregnant/staying pregnant/having children for granted and it really is a miracle when we a healthy child arrives. Have you ever thought of infant foster care with the possibility of adoption? That is a faster track than traditional adoption and a lot less $$. I don't know a whole lot about it, but I do know of people (in a round about way) who have gone that route. hugs to you.

Chris said...

I understand how you're feeling and don't think there's anything wrong with being happy with what you have and still wanting more. I'm sorry you feel stuck in a rut, but Chanda's right, keep writing and you'll find a solution. You've already begun by quitting the smoking and that ain't easy to do!

Zookeeper said...

I followed your link from a comment at, intrigued because I also have a 10 ½ year old daughter. When I scrolled down to this post I was even more intrigued because I, too, was infertile after her birth. I immediately started writing my own secondary infertility story for you. Then I decided that probably isn’t what you wanted to hear. I thought maybe what you want is someone to say they actually DO know how you feel. It is frustrating when you can’t seem to find a single person out there who understands what you are going through. Husbands are supportive, but they don’t get it. They can’t appreciate what it’s like to grow a child and bring her into the world. Friends are sympathetic, but since they have no trouble conceiving, they again can’t relate to your problem. I went through the depression, the weight gain, the feigned happiness when yet another friend or sister-in-law became pregnant. You are not a poser simply because you prefer not to subject your body (and your pocketbook) to processes like in-vitro fertilization using donor eggs. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I do think there’s a difference between being happy with what you have and simply “settling”. If you feel that giving up your dream of a second child would be “settling” then I don’t think you should give up. Best wishes to you.