Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm torn

on what or if anything I should do with my daughter. Everything started a little over a year ago after she went on an overnight school field trip. Without me. At the time, we could barely afford to pay for her part because Dean still hadn't found a job. I figured it wouldn't be any big deal because it wasn't has if she hadn't spent the night with at least a couple of her classmates before the trip. Well, since that trip in October 2006, she refuses to spend the night with any of her friends, even the girl, Adaela, that the summer before, you could barely separate the two. As the time has gone by, it has progressively gotten worse. We did "force" her to go on her regular 3 day, 2-night vacation with my ILs, something she's been doing since the age of 5. She did have a good time and was glad she went. However, within the last 6 months, she has even declined to go to birthday parties, the movies, or play dates. Both Dean and I have talked to her about her feelings and tried to get to the bottom of this but she just keeps telling us she "doesn't know". I'm not one to regularly force my child to do something she doesn't want to do. She's at the age where she has been struggling with feelings of fitting in with the kids at school but when I tell her that if she continues to decline invitations from her "friends", pretty soon the invitations will stop, it doesn't seem to make any difference to her.

I've tried to discuss this with various friends/family in hopes to get some understanding or advice on handle her but so far the assvice I've gotten has ranged from she's just going through a phase, be glad she wants to spend time with her family because it's a matter of time before she starts "hating" us, to put our foot down and force her to do things because as an only child she is spoiled and we are letting her rule us.

I think it's probably a combination of things. Hormones - she's 10 1/2 and has for probably a over a year now has been having discharge in her panties and has to wear a pantyliner often, she's starting to get "bumps" on her chest, getting pimples, and she has most recently been crying at a drop of a hat. Articles I have read and discussions I've seen in many internet forums have been saying that many of our young girls are entering puberty earlier and earlier because of the hormones in our milk and chicken, etc. I think this a great possibility for her. Besides that, I started developing breasts by her age and started my period by 11 1/2.

Then there is the death of my sister this past July. I think Diane's death made her realize the mortality of her parents. She really hasn't talked about it but I truly think she's worrying constantly that something is going bad is going to happen to us. How do you tell a 10 year old not to worry about that? It's inevitable. With life there is death. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, I'm about to pull my hair out. I don't know how to deal with this without worrying that I am going about it the wrong way. I don't want to push her away but at the same time I don't want to ruin her by being to dependent upon us to where she can't do anything without us. Ya know?

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Binge and Purge and Long and Windy

Christmas is finally over! Hooray! Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I'm in a funk and have been for some time now. I don't know what I want to call it. Could I actually be going through some sort of depression? If you were ask my family or anyone that sees/talks to me on a daily basis, they would probably say, "Susan depressed? Nah! She Miss Happy Go Lucky as ever." I'm just a a cross roads about everything in my life. It's the same old, same old. Hence the title of this blog.

I'm in a dead end, boring ass job that I either can't or won't leave because of it is so damn close to home and the flexibility my boss gives me. At the same time, I feel like I'm stagnating and that I wouldn't be marketable if I were to even attempt to find another job. You know the old saying, you don't use it, you lose it. My skillz have been underutilized for so long, it ain't even funny. But then there's the whole, I hate what I'm doing (or not doing) and I wish I had finished by nursing degree before the daughter came along. Don't say go back to school because it's not that easy. First off, my income is a definite necessary evil and I can't afford to quit my job to attend school. What's so frustrating is that I constantly read that Illinois is so short of nursing professionals yet none of the colleges provide night school nursing programs. Secondly, I don't know where I'd come up with the money to go back to school. And lastly, I'd need the emotional support from my hubby and daughter that would allow me to go back and I just don't see that happening.

Then there is the whole I want another child thing with me. I'm 38-years old, married for almost 17-years to a guy who adores me, and I have a beautiful, not so little anymore, 10 1/2 year old girl. I should be happy with that but I'm not. All my fertile family and friends think I should be happy and feel lucky to have at least one child. They've never had issues getting pregnant so that's so easy for them to say and think it, dammit!

I've always wanted 2 children and I haven't been able to achieve that. My hubby knows I've always wanted 2 children but is happy with the one, healthy girl we have, and is no better than my loving, supportive, and non-understanding family/friends. Oh, it's not like he is totally against having another one because if that was the case, he'd have got the big V after our last miscarriage. I mean, I know he's just a big ole pussy when it comes to pain and generally pretty lazy when it comes to a lot of things, but I figure if he definitely didn't want another child, he'd have gone through with a vasectomy. When I was young and naive about my fertility issues, it was always going to be me who got fixed when we were done. I had to have a c-section and we figured while I was opened up, might as well tie the tubes. Now that we know that I don't get pregnant with just a blink of an eye, I told him it would be him getting fixed if he was dead set against having anymore. Almost 3-years later, he still hasn't pursued it. So as long as he takes that attitude, I'll continue to take things into my own hands.

I already know without seeing a dr that there is some problems with me. I've been charting my temps long enough to know that I am a late ovulator and have a LPD who suffers from low progesterone. Every since my D&C, my cycles have been so light. It leads me to believe that my uterus isn't building up a thick enough lining to support a healthy pregnancy. As much as I want another baby, I can't afford expensive, medicalized fertility treatments. I did submit to a CD 21 blood draw to test my progesterone level back in January of this year. I think it was either .6 or 6 - I don't remember. All I know the result was low enough for my OB/GYN's office to say, "Let's put you on Clomid!" Umm. . I don't think so. I'm too scared of the possibilities of multiples. I wanted to go a more natural route so what I ended up doing was working with a CMD/Acupuncturist long distance and at his suggestion had my DHEA level tested to make sure my adrenal glands were producing the correct amount of hormones first. Everything was normal there so he started me on a blend of Chinese Herbs to clear my liver heat and try to regulate my temps. I took them for 6 months they finally started working but then I started having dizzy spells because I had voluntarily took myself off my high blood pressure medicine during this time. Scared I was going to have a stroke or something, I started taking it again and I stopped the herbs. Then I started reading about natural progesterone creams success in helping with LPDs. Therefore the last 2 cycles I've been using natural progesterone cream during my luteal phase. The first cycle I noticed a difference in my flow, 2nd month not so much. I am now in the middle of my 3rd cycle waiting to ovulate.

So all this long ass story to say that at times I feel like a poser when I read all the infertility blogs out there because I haven't even put myself through a 10th of what many have and yet I sit and feel sorry for myself because I can't get pregnant and/or won't do whatever it takes to get pregnant. Then again, there is something to be said for knowing one's financial and emotional limitations and just knowing when to settle for what you already have. Right?

Then there is the feeling like I've put on 10 lbs or more since I stopped smoking. I know I did the right thing yet at the same time, I'm disgusted with myself for substituting food in place of cigarettes. I haven't stepped on my scale but a person just know these things.

Ok. I'll end it right here because I could go on and on whining about my "issues". Time to move forward and put on that ever smiling face everyone knows and loves. Hmph!

Friday, December 14, 2007

The weather outside is frightful?

At least that's what the weatherman is calling for. A big snow storm is supposed to hit the St. Louis metropolitan area starting late tonight and go on all day Saturday. As long as it's snow, it's cool. Throw in ice and I'm going to be one pissed cookie. I do not want a repeat of last winter when we had massive power outages due to ice.

Speaking of cookies, the girl and I will be baking fools tomorrow. I figure snow storms are the perfect time to bake so that's we are going to do. Any sane person won't be out in that shit so might as well make the most of being stranded at home. I do have to make a pit stop at the grocery store on my way home from work/picking her up from my folks. I'm just crossing my fingers that I get lucky like the last time where Dean swore that the stores were going to be nutso, but they weren't. The baking menu will consist of banana nut mini loaves, peanut butter cookies, sugar cookies, and this nifty recipe I found on yahoo foods. Since am borderline high on my cholesterol, I am forever looking for low/no fat recipes that taste worth a darn. I'm hoping I will have hit a winner with this one. I will definitely report back.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Freakin Websense!

Aggh! Just when I was starting to get into this blogging stuff, my damn employer discovers and blocks it! They had already discovered most of the photo sites, Youtube, and I was pretty upset about that. But now it's! Ugh - not as if I can say hey do you mind unblocking that site because you are really putting a cramp in my life, when I am supposed to be working. It's not my fault my freakin boss won't give me enough work to do to keep me busy. And hey, I've asked too so it's not the case of being a slacker. I can't even comment on anyone else's blog either. I guess I'm going to have to start demanding some "unwinding" time every night like the husband does so I can continue to support my fellow bloggers. Sorry ya'll. Oh, and this post is being done from my home computer on my lunch hour.

Update (3:28 p.m. CST)- Well now it's working. The server probably got rebooted or updates added. I know not to count on this being permanent though. But one can keep one's fingers crossed about it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

From Depressing to Delighted

Yeah - my last post was a bit depressing. I apologize for that. It was just one of those mornings for me. On a different note, the reason why I'm delighted is we have NO television.

Ameren UE came out to the house this morning to move and reroute some wires that were touching our roof according to a City complaint. Power had to be shut off for 15 minutes the husband says. Ameren takes off for the hills and guess what? They effed something up with our satellite and DISH can't come out until this Sunday to look at it. I think the husband is having a little stroke over this. Ugh! The glutton for punishment I am, I just had to go home for lunch and all I heard about was how Ameren was going to pay for this, blah, blah, blah. I was really trying to hold my cool with him about it. I did, however, tell him that I'm sure a supervisor is going to get right on our problem when there were thousands of customers that were without power due to the ice storms St. Louis and the Metropolitan area encountered this weekend.

So, a very long and bitchy story short, it looks like the T family is going to have some sorely needed family bonding time this week. It's either going to be a good thing for us or quite the opposite, divorce court and/or jail time because I strangled him to death.

2007 - when will it end?

I received a call from my mother Saturday morning that my SIL, Angel's, only brother and only boy of 8 kids, was killed Friday evening in a one car accident. He hit a patch of black ice coming off the interstate in Nebraska, where he lives, hit something and flipped his pickup truck. Not that receiving this news at any time of the year is good but Angel got it the day before her 40th birthday. Happy Fucking Birthday to her.

2007 has been one hell of a year for me and my family. First, DH didn't get a secure, decent paying job until March. In May, my bro gets the news that his childhood best friend committed suicide. July -my sister passes away from complications due to chemotherapy treatments just 6 weeks from the diagnosis of leukemia. And now Angel's brother, Paul.

2008 can't come fast enough! Ugh!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

30 days of vaseline

I bet you thought I'd be posting something naughty but the sounds of that title huh? Gotcha! Nope. Sorry.

I took my girl to a follow up dermatologist appointment yesterday to check on some moles I was concerned about. Drama queen that she is, worried the whole 10 minute drive there, that she was going to get cut on. I tried to assure her that nothing of that sort would happen. The damn doctor made a liar out of me. He takes 5 minutes to look her over and says, "Yes, this one needs to come off." The look of pure terror that popped on my girls face just broke my heart. As aggravated as I get with her tendency to be so melodramatic, I still hate for her to get scared. A few minutes of crying into my chest and squeezing my right hand, while he sawed off the offending spot on her left forearm and it was over. He said to keep a bandage and vaseline on it for 30 days. He also warned us it might look ugly and pussy while it was healing but assured me that it was normal, prescribed a antibiotic for preventative measures, made another appointment to check on the healing, and we were on our way. My girl, of course, cradled it for half the night and then complained her arm was stiff when it was time to go to bed. She swore she wasn't going to be able to sleep for fear that she'd bump it and make it hurt, but she slept like a log. This morning she said that she was hoping it was prayer chain day at school so she could ask for healing prayers on her arm and that it is not skin cancer.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Where was I?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Honestly, I read so many others blogs and I am truly intimidated by their style of writing. I'm worried I'll end up boring the shit out of everyone. Oh well, you can't please every body right?

Just celebrated my 38th birthday a week ago (November 24). I have 2 years left before I give up on my pipe dream of having another child. Sometimes I really think that I'm crazy to want to start all over with the sleepless nights, the poopy diapers, doing it all myself. But then again for as long as I can remember, I've always wanted 2 children so I keep on keeping on. Minus all the medicalized fertility treatments. The pocket book could not handle the cost of that and besides it's not as if I'm childless.

My Thanksgiving was great. I just love Thanksgiving I suppose because it always falls around or sometimes even on my birthday. Due to religious reasons, my birthday was never celebrated but we did gather with family on Thanksgiving. I did end up with a terrible headache due to drinking ONE Green Apple Martini. Ugh! It's not like I haven't drank one before but good ole BIL made me a double. I ended up climbing into my tub at midnight for a hot soak until it went away just enough for me to go back to sleep. I swear the older I get, the less alcohol I can drink. I already found out the hard way that I can't tolerate red wine either. But then again, maybe the problem is it's cheap alcohol. MIL does like to drink that Franzia refrigerated stuff and they switched vodka brands, from Kettle One to Svedka. Who knows but I'm not going anywhere alcohol for a while.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's a start

What to talk about? I guess I'll give a brief synopsis of my life.

I'm Susan, soon to be 38, married to Dean for 16 1/2 years, and working outside the home mother to Gabrielle, Gabby, who is 10. I was born, raised, and still living in Alton, IL, the most haunted river town of Illinois, according to Troy Taylor. For those who are wondering where the hell Alton is, it's across the river from St. Louis, MO. On parenting/pregnancy sites, I usually just say I'm from St. Louis to make it easier.

I'm the baby of the family of 3 children from Steven and Roberta, who've been married 42, almost 43 years. I lost my sister, Diane (45), this past July, to Adult Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. My brother, Steven, Jr. (41). I have 5 nieces, 2 nephews, and one great niece, and one great nephew.

I love to read, enjoy home improvement, cooking, and anything to do with the paranormal, shows, listen to all sorts of music (except hard core rap). I spend most of my time when I'm at work, on the internet reading blogs about infertility/pregnancy/parenting, and posting on a parenting community that let's me hang out with them even though I don't have an itty bitty to talk about. Which brings me to my longing and desire to have another child but you know what? I leave that for another day. To be continued . . .

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Haven't taken the leap just yet

This is more to just fill in some space and say that I haven't got the guts to post anything quite yet. I'm afraid of boring someone.