Monday, April 7, 2008

Regret and Shame

Something happened last evening before G's bedtime that put my daughter in such a state of frenzy. I found her cowering and crying in her playroom and when I called her out, she rushed into my arms crying that her world was ending.

You see, my temper got the best of me and I didn't handle myself so well when my husband had a massive temper tantrum. I'm not going to get into what it was over but take my word that what happened did not warrant that type of behavior. To say that D has a bit of an explosive temper, is an understatement. I've dealt with for 20 years now. He gets carried away about things that, to me, are so minor. G has witnessed his tantrums but last night was the first time she saw him act like a raving maniac and destroy a door. The cussing and carrying on, I don't like it but I deal with it. It's the destruction of our things that I can't handle. When the pounding on the door started and I heard the splinter of wood, I lost it! I wanted to rush in and whale on his ass so bad but instead I turned into a screaming banshee. I am not proud of myself that I lost it. I don't know why I react to him that way but I do. What got to me most of all is when G told me that her "world was ending because daddy was going to divorce me." I had to calm her down and tell her that her dad wasn't going to divorce me over something silly as what had happened. Everything calmed down as quickly as it started, as is the case with his tantrums. I told D what G said and he, too, assured her that he wasn't going to divorce me.

I just have this awful sick feeling in my stomach today because I'm so ashamed that both of our tempers got out of hand and scared our daughter that bad. What happened last night does not occur on a frequent basis. In fact, I can't remember the last time he reacted to that extreme. Now I just hope I haven't permanently damaged my child.


JaniceNW said...

Susan~you are human. We humans can lose it. Stop beating yourself up NOW!


I am not perfect either. What I did do was try and explain certain truisms to my kids at every age. My dh was raised by a tyrant father. Sometimes he acts like his dad. He always regrets it. I explained to my boys their dad did not know a better way to handle his anger.

Your daughter is not ruined. She just took a big step into adulthood. Now help her understand what she saw and tell her you lost your temper and apologize. Work it from there.

Email me if you need to talk. I'll be home by 3:30 EDT.

It'll be okay. Honest.

Lisa said...

My heart is with you. I've been in your shoes with the yelling and stuff. WHy is it so difficult for us moms to forgive ourselves?

Am sending you huge hugs, and hope everyone can put the experience in the past and learn from it all. She will be ok. She knows you love her. And it sounds like you've already apologized a hundred times already. You're still a great mom. You're human.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Huckdoll said...

Ah, children are incredibly resilient! I am a kid of a divorced family and there are only one or two fighting episodes I can remember of that time.

That said, my hubby and I fight too much and I'm also afraid that my children will be affected by it.